surrealization.com

A long time

Friday, February 06 2004

Wow, it's been almost an entire year since I quit smoking. The official 1 year mark will be February 26th. I had been smoking for about 6 years at the time, and I was up to about 35-45 cigarettes per day (a little less than two packs to a little more than two packs). I was worst when I was in front of a computer, since smoking lends itself so easily to sitting. I was especially bad in the year that I worked from home (2.5 years ago to 1.5 years ago), since it was all sitting in front of a computer and I was in my own apartment where you're allowed to smoke and work at the same time.

During that time of working from home I got a really bad case of the flu. Every time I get the flu it always blossoms into a heavy chest cold (cough, hack, cough), and this time was no different. What was different, however, was that this time I was a heavy smoker and couldn't bring myself to stop. I cut down a little bit (to maybe 10 a day), but when your lungs are filled with mucus, piling inhaled cigarette smoke on top of it doesn't help at all. Naturally I developed bronchitis. I went to the doctor and I had to get an inhaler because apparently there was a bit of a wheeze. I still couldn't bring myself to stop smoking to clear up the illness, and my bronchitis lasted for about 4 months. What happened to make the bronchitis go away? Did it just go away on its own? No, I stopped smoking for about two days and it completely cleared up. Four months of bronchitis and two days of not smoking made it go away!

I had tried to quit smoking numerous times. I've even tried the elusive "cutting back" more times than that. Nothing seemed to work. The nicotine craving is very strong and before you know it, you're smoking more just to make up for the cigarettes you missed while you were trying to stop. I knew I really had no desire to actually quit, I just wanted to stop smoking. In other words, the motivation was there, but the desire wasn't. I liked smoking. Nay, I LIKE smoking. I've heard other people say this and I fully agree: "If a cigarette company ever comes out with a cigarette that wasn't bad for you, I'd go buy a pack immediately."

Last February I met Natasha. I knew she didn't like smokers that much so I bought some of that nicotine gum so I could use that while I was around her. A week and a half later I got the flu (on my birthday). I felt like crap for a few days then I noticed a cold coming on. I cut my smoking down to one or two a day the first day and chewed the gum pretty frequently. Luckily I was still mostly bedridden so there was a lot of not being awake to help. The second day I went to work and only chewed the gum. The third day (the 26th) I chewed the gum and had zero cigarettes. The fourth day I stopped chewing the gum and stopped smoking. Just like that, except there was one tiny little thing in the back of my head that was different than the last times I tried quitting: I wasn't really going to quit.

I had told myself when I was sick that I was only quitting while I was sick. Once I got better and avoided bronchitis, I was going to go buy more cigarettes. But once I was no longer sick, I realized that I had gone nearly four days without a significant amount of cigarettes and nicotine.

"Why don't I just keep not smoking, and see how long it will last", I thought. "Besides, I'm sure those weren't my last cigarettes ever."

So time went on and I didn't smoke. Since I was so used to always doing something with my hands and my mouth during times of boredom, I picked up a new habit: sugar-free Orbit gum. I made sure to always have a full pack in my pocket and a piece in my mouth. I chomped away for hours on a single piece, not caring that the flavor was gone, but instead content that my body has some sort of activity it could perform to keep it occupied. The nicotine cravings were bearable because I knew that I was going to get to smoke again some day and because I had something to keep myself occupied. Eventually the morning nicotine crave disappeared, as did the after-lunch crave. Within a couple of weeks, all of my normal cravings were completely gone save for one - the stress craving.

I think stress is a killer for most people who are trying to smoke. Getting all wound up inside from stress seems so much worse if you're a smoker. My stomach would get all tight and my lungs would almost cry out for a cigarette. Two hits later and everything would unwind, going back to their pre-stress positions. This craving is by far the worst craving a smoker can have, especially for one who is trying to quit because nothing else seems to calm the nerves but having a cigarette. In this case my gum never helped. Telling myself that I can't have a cigarette now, but I could sometime in the future also didn't help. Drinking huge glasses of water to fill the stomach and distract you didn't help. I could have resorted to the gum for this craving, but I felt that being addicted to nicotine gum is a stones throw away from smoking again. No, for this craving there is really only one cure: willpower. Telling yourself that the cigarette really isn't going to help you, that you've gone so far with not smoking that you don't want to fail now and taking yourself out of the stressful situation were the only things that seemed to bolster my resolve. Yes sir, this just took some good, old-fashioned willpower, by far the toughest thing to come by.

Nearly three months went by and I hadn't had a single cigarette. I also hadn't been in any social situations where smoking would have been a factor. Then I flew to Columbus to see some friends for a weekend. A friend of mine smoked and was disappointed when I said I had quit, however I really wanted a cigarette so I bummed one of his. The first one kind of disgusted me, however the second one I had that weekend was really good. After cigarette two or three I was actually having some boredom-related cravings, so I made sure to chew my gum as much as possible. In the three days I was there I had eight total cigarettes. I came home and within 12 hours any cravings for a cigarette were totally gone.

Another month or two went by and I had successfully gone without cigarettes, however I still knew that even though I was not smoking, I was still going to have a cigarette someday in the future. Then I realized had it not been for that, I probably wouldn't have managed to stop. In fact, I would say it's pretty safe to assume that it was actually easy to stop smoking compared to the monumental feat I had it built up to in my mind. Tell yourself that you are never going to have your favorite food ever again because it's bad for you. See how tall that wall seems? Then tell yourself that you're going to stop eating that food, but you are definitely going to allow yourself to have it someday in the future. Now see how it doesn't really seem all that bad any more? That's exactly what I did with my smoking.

I really do enjoy smoking, and I don't think that will ever go away. I am aware what smoking does to my lungs and frankly I don't really care about that while I'm smoking. However, even though I'm not a smoker any more, I still occasionally smoke. Sometimes if I'm at a bar or drinking with friends I'll bum a cigarette or two, however most of the time I don't. Sometimes if I'm just hanging out with friends I'll have a cigarette if they're smoking, but again most of the time I don't. In the nearly one year I haven't officially been a smoker, I've had about 30 cigarettes. That comes out to 2.5 cigarettes per month. Most of those cigarettes were consumed in three separate incidents, leaving about 10 occasional cigarettes spread out the rest of the year. I have no cravings any more, not even stress cravings. I still chew my Orbit gum (~$0.75 per 20 pieces if you buy in bulk - much cheaper than the $3.50 I paid per pack of cigarettes), but nowhere near as much as I used to. I know that the goal of not smoking is zero cigarettes, however if you consider the food scenerio above, and how easily it is to binge on the thing you are depriving yourself of, I'm glad that I still occasionally smoke.

Do I think I'm done being a smoker for life? Most definitely, as long as I keep my current attitude towards smoking. I've smoked in one year the same amount of cigarettes I used to smoke in one day, and that's no minor achievement. Statistics are something like 50% of all smokers that quit go back to smoking. I've already attributed to that statistic once or twice, and I don't plan on doing it again.

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